Depression Sucks. Not just metaphorically. I mean it sucks the life right out of you. It slows every process in your body down. Was mine major? Nope. But it has certainly interfered with my life and continues to try. I’m beating it back though. Most days are good. But it’s always there, lurking and waiting to rear its ugly head.
But, Meghan, you don’t seem sad. You have a lot going for you. How can you be depressed?
It’s a sickness of the brain. Like any mental illness, my neurons don’t always fire the way God designed them to. So, in my case, my thoughts are slowed somewhat, but mostly still there and just fine. My body lags. Sometimes it’s all I can do to get a shower and make sure that Alex is where he needs to be and has some sort of food in his growing body.
Write? Nope. Too hard.
Clean? Too hard.
Answer the phone? You’ve got to be kidding me. Maybe a text, but no promises.
My “to do list” is rarely very long. But Depression will put up a brick wall between my organized self and my ability to get off my butt and get it done. How do I get this wall out of the way? For me, St. John’s Wort is very effective. But like anything, you have to actually take it for it to help. A number of years ago, I saw a therapist when I realized Depression wouldn’t go away on its own. My health insurance was crappy and a number of respectable studies had come out saying that St. John’s Wort was actually effective for mild to moderate depression. She told me to try it, as it would be cheaper than a formal prescription. If it didn’t work, she’d prescribe something stronger. It worked. I was on Prozac for a while after Alex was born. That worked too, but it made me feel flat, rather than reconnecting my head to my body the way St. John’s Wort does.
Anyway, it works for me as long as I take it religiously. For several years I didn’t. And I slid down that hill of disconnection and crankiness. Life circumstances didn’t help either. Craig has been hospitalized twice in that time period. The first one was a nightmare of a time in our lives. He’d done everything right by taking meds and going to his appointments, but the NP didn’t seem to get that things were going very very badly. The last time was much better. The new NP understood immediately that Craig needed a change and called for an ambulance before it was a big problem.
Raising a child isn’t easy. Raising a child with a man who can’t work and Depression trying to tell me I can’t work either, is even harder.
Now? Now, I’m moving again. My home is less trashed. My family is often fed healthier meals. Business is moving again.
Hmm. Funny how treating an illness actually can make it better rather than ignoring it. I’m done letting it suck the life out of me. I’m ready to live again.
Coming Back September 24, 2014
So many thoughts. Some are deep. Some aren’t. So I’ll start with the overarching struggle of the past couple of years – Depression with a Capital “D.” I didn’t even realize how bad I had it until I started to come out of it late last spring. Perhaps if I had realized, I’d have sought professional help. Perhaps not. I’m sure there are a number of contributing factors. And it’s not totally over, but things are much better inside of my head now.
Now that my brain is functioning with more clarity, I have some projects that are finally getting off the ground. My soap looks like it may start selling. Hooray! I’m so glad I said “Hi!” to Teri in the grocery store. She ordered some for her farm stand. (Why wouldn’t I say hi? Because of the Big Depression and Hormones making me miserable that day. But she’s wicked nice, so even if she didn’t want soap, it would have been good talking to her.)
I crochet. I would like to sell that stuff too. I am struggling with pricing. It’s nearly impossible to make minimum wage on crocheted items. Most people don’t want to pay you for your time. Perceptions are difficult to overcome in this arena. So, do I sell it just because maybe I can get back my yarn costs plus a little? Do I insist on getting an hourly wage? ($120 baby blanket anyone?) So, I guess the bottom line is that I will be at a few Christmas craft fairs and see how it goes.
Alex is 6 and in 1st Grade this year. I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to home-school him since before enrolling him in Kindergarten. It’s a big undertaking and I just don’t know what will be best for him. Hmm.
On the to-do list is an overhaul of my Etsy site, but if you’re interested, go check it out at http://www.etsy.com/shop/MegInStitches
Also on the to-do list is to write more. So, perhaps it won’t be two more years until there is new content here.
A Good Day June 9, 2012
Today was pretty good. I found out my boy has Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. What’s good is that he has not had it nearly as bad as some people get it. Although it can last up to three weeks, usually the first week is the worst. And we are at the end of the first week. I have also had a sore throat, so hopefully I am about done too.
Mr. Man was advised by his doctor to stop taking the new vitamins he bought a few weeks ago and cut back on the coffee in order to relieve his bowel distress. Today, he did that and did not need to constantly run to the bathroom. Hopefully this will continue and his meds will stay in his system long enough to fully do their job.
Crazy Boy went to his grandparents’ house for the afternoon. So Mr. Man and I each got a nice long nap. That was great, because what mother doesn’t need more sleep? And I didn’t have to deal with my husband being cranky from caffeine withdrawal.
Even the weather was nice. The sun came out and stayed out. Yeah, I was in the pediatrician’s office for the morning and in bed for the afternoon, but it was nice knowing it was there.
I leave you with this bit of advice from Crazy Boy in his 4 year old wisdom. “You should never go swimming in a thunderstorm. Lightning might poke a hole in you.”
This and That June 8, 2012
It has been a heck of a couple of weeks. Mr. Man’s mental health has been steadily declining. If you follow my facebook page, you know this is probably due to his bad and prolonged case of “the runs.” If his pills don’t stay in him long enough to be processed, he has little hope of maintaining any level of sanity. I finally got him to see his primary care doctor. He is having labwork done and a follow-up appointment. I hope this goes away soon. He is in a lot of discomfort, can’t go far from home and te safety of our bathroom, and is losing his marbles down the toilet.
Crazy Boy probably has strep throat and I feel like I am getting it too. He sees his new pediatrician in the morning. I switched because his old one didn’t take our insurance. I hope the new doctor is good. I also need a new doctor for the same reason. So I may have to go to the emergency room for this as I have no primary care doctor and there are no longer any walk-in clinics in my area. Hooray! Not…
My Bible reading is sporadic. I am in Psalms. I am uninspired. I am not surrounded by enemies as David was. I am surrounded by sickness. I would really like God to grant my family health. This constant illness is wearing on me.
Thoughts on the book of Job May 27, 2012
As I stated in my last post, I am attempting to read the Bible in one year. I started in the middle of Job. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, it goes like this: Satan and several other angels appeared before God. It is not clear why they did so, but God boasts about how faithful Job is. Satan thinks that Job’s faith will fall away if he loses everything. So God agrees to allow Satan to test Job’s faith. Job, a wealthy man with a large family, loses family to raiders and his posessions to various mishaps and disasters all engineered by Satan. He has several friends who remain by his side after the aquaintences no longer want anything to do with him and his now miserable existence. These friends come to the only conclusion they can and advise Job to repent of his sins so God will bless him again. Job insists he is blameless and cries out to God for answers. Eventually God speaks up and restores Job’s wealth and blesses him with a new family.
My thoughts? Number one, the book is too long. It seemed to drag and the friends arguments were repetitive. I got it the first time. And I didn’t even read the whole book! I suppose part of my issue here is cultural.
Number two – Job was pretty sarcastic. I liked that. I never picked up on that before.
Number three – I realized that when a friend is hurting, he or she doesn’t always need advice. He/she doesn’t need me to overanalyze the situation. He/she probably would prefer it if I quietly sat beside him or her and provided companionship. Job’s sarcasm showed up because as well meaning as his friends were, they weren’t really helping.
Number four – I was reminded that there are forces at work in this world that I am unaware of that affect me directly. They may be people doing things behind my back or spiritual forces doing things behind my back. Either way, all I can do is remain faithful to God.
Thank you for reading. I welcome your thoughts on this.
Reading the Bible in a Year May 18, 2012
When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I read the Bible cover to cover twice, and a third time with a “Chronological Bible.” (For those of you unfamiliar with the Christian Bible, it is not entirely in Chronological order and some of the passages are variations on the same story. ) At my church, we were challenged to a daily Bible reading program for the first part of the year. It covered 100 passages that are often considered foundational to Christianity. Now that is drawing to a close. Another member of my church happened to send an email about Bible reading that got me thinking, “Now what?”
So – now I embark on another quest to read the entire Bible in one year. Will daily study of these scriptures change me? I hope that they change me for the better. Some of you may be thinking, “Oh boy! She’s becoming one of those people…” If, by “one of those people,” you think I am becoming a fanatic who persecutes people for disagreeing with my beliefs, rest assured, that is not who I am and I hope I will never be like that. I hope to find a deeper spiritual connection and relationship with my God. Through doing that, I hope to become a more loving and kind person.
Where did I begin this current quest? A popular devotional, “Our Daily Bread,” includes a Bible in one year program. I assume they started in January at the very beginning in Genesis 1. However, I don’t like playing catch-up, and from previous study I am familiar enough with the beginning to start in the middle without getting completely confused. So I looked up today’s reading and started there. I am in the middle of Job. An interesting starting point. Already I am finding that I understand more than I did the last time I read that book.
Has anyone else taken up this challenge? How did you fare? In my previous reads, I picked it up and put it down many times before completing the task. Are you of a different belief system? Have you tried a similar reading program? I am interested in your thoughts and experiences.
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